TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully from location. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have An additional put in which American Guys can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you All people a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should really end working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is Trump Tower Damascus wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is currently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have switch-down support."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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